In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire.
In marriage, compromise is necessary. That being said, compromise its self is not enough. There are times (more often than I would like to admit) when it creates a lose/lose situation and neither party is happy. Ron and I discussed Steven Covey's theory of win/win (you win, then I win, then you win) and I am starting to believe that that is really the nature of compromise.
Ron came from a very different background than I did. He knew what is was like to want. His behavior patterns in some ways remind me of people who grew up in the Great Depression. There is the inate mentality to 'horde'. He does a funny imitation of his Nana, a Dutch woman who lived on tulip bulbs during World War II to survive (and apparently says Ya, Ya neva know when the next war vill hit, and you vill have to eat tulips). It reminds me that he has a lot of these characteristics ingrained in his psyche. He jokes about stocking up for nuclear winter, but our garage (and closets, pantry, attic) are no laughing matter.
I came from a family that was 'comfortable'. We never wanted and while we may not have the excessive lifestyle of today's children, there was never a time in my young life that I heard 'we can't afford it'. It took 26 years before my father got a 5th chair for our dining table (a piece of art furniture, one of a kind that is lasting a lifetime). In my family there is no compromise on quality. If you can't get exactly what you want...you wait.
Ron and I struggle with this. We struggle a lot. Christmas is bringing this out in both of us. I have my back up as the 1 million and 1st Christmas CD arrives in my home and the most recent schlock Christmas movie comes home from WalMart. He struggles with my dirty looks as he speaks about LCD lights and the wreath on his car. I want an elegant Architectural Digest home for the holidays (and to solve world hunger, create peace on earth etc.). He wants A LOT. Doesn't really care if it is elegant or not...just A LOT. Our compromise is a promise of 'in a year and a half when we move to Canada' we will compromise.
I think we are both missing the point. I am just not sure how for us to actually agree to agree. How do two people with up brings so different as to have diametrically opposite point of views meet in the middle? I think we don't.
5 comments:
Can I bring you more of anything?
Why yes, more everything!
You're right - I'm a person of excess...that's how I work, play and suck the marrow from the bones of life...
I think the "win/win" compromise can be found here in maintaining balance by alternating between the two...knowing that there are times for excess, (like Christmas and the Pirate Party) and times for spare and refined elegance...
I'm thinking from your phone call that you're not really ready to wait until Canada for your fair share of the "balance"...which I think is a compromise I'm willing to make...right AFTER Christmas...
;-)
As the other half of Ron's childhood - his sister, I must weigh in on this one. Living in Canada as I do, having never left and therefore having no plans to return, I have already purged my giant collection of "tacky" Christmas decorations (and yes, Ron, they are mostly tacky). We have the same Nana and yet I only have one drawer in my cupboard filled with canned goods. Surely not enough to last even 48 hours in the wicked winter storm we are more likey to actually see here in Canada, better know as "whoo-hoo-no-school-no-work-snow-day".
My point. Agree to agree that there is hope yet for Ron. After all, you've yet to come home to a new snow machine that has your neighbours wearing their sunglasses to prevent snow blindness and Hannah wearing her tooque to tobogan down the driveway, eh.
You make a good point!
My sister's a hoser. Eh!
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