Mother's Day

This is an unconventional ode to motherhood.

I am, but my own definition, a 'trained' mom.

I love my mother and we continue to have a rare and engaged relationship (but I wouldn't want to live with her!)  My former husband loved his mom to distraction until her untimely death. An old friend of mine lost his mom in high school and has never been the same. A great friend of mine misses his mom every single day . My husband can't talk to his mother and hasn't for years and that difficult and painful relationship has taken a deep toil on his psyche.  It is a complex and intricate relationship that we have with our moms.  They are (if you look to Hallmark for a definition) the  architect of our future.  The one who is responsible for growing, carrying, feeding us, as well as PTAing, Bake Sale 'ing, classroom mom'ing, etc etc.

Popular wisdom will say that a mother is the foundation that is all that is human kind.  That the womb carries the child and when that child is born, the bond between mother and child is stronger (and more visceral) then any emotion or connection in the universe. That we, a mother, will feel and grow that bond and that it is the most amazing thing that we can do as women.  It is our raison d'etre (a reason, for being).

What if, however, you didn't feel that way? What if, the difficulties of having a (and caring for) a baby, the lost identity, the lack of experience or 'natural feelings' make the role a challenge each and every day? How is one a real women? How can one be comfortable with the facade (pretend to be a mom)?  No one (not my mother, not all the books devoured during  pregnancies) said that it was okay to feel ambivalent about the monumental changes that motherhood brings to your life.  Your marriage changes (and for the most part, at least initially) not in a good way.  Your body (and body image) changes and certainly not in a good way, and your life as you know it become challenging in ways that, unless you have a child, you can not fathom.

But...and there is a huge but here...it isn't about having the juice box at the ready, the diaper bag fully, and correctly, packed (if it was, the kid police would have confiscated both children post haste.)

It is about how we love our children.   It supposed to be  unconditional, but I believe there are conditions to  in any relationship (I call them non-negotiables), and loving our children requires conditions.  Those conditions are the boundaries and structure we provide, the counsel we give them through our own mistakes, and the willingness to see our children not as extensions of ourselves, not as parasites on our life, but as unique individuals who have distinct and separate personalities from our own

Ultimately, as a 'trained mother' versus a natural mother, I have second guessed, double checked, circled back and today I can say with 98% certainty that if...

You want to be a mom, it is okay to redefine and restructure what it means. By my definition: iff you love and care for you child it doesn't matter if you don't use a manual, that there are no rule books and that Toys R US need never be on your radar.  That the 'material side' of parenting is less important and that there is absolutely no one right way...

Mothers, it is okay to no love being a mom.  What is most important is that you love those people in your lives that you happened to birth and offer them the opportunity to know the real you, regardless of whether or not you fit an ideal.

Happy Mother's Day.