What a man needs

After a relatively sleepless night tossing and turning, my mind racing with things I could not immediately fix or  control, I decided to move on to a highly desirable topic.  Men.  As I lay there, I thought about what men need.  I like to say (modestly of course) that I have a little experience here.  A few marriages (one still chugging along quite nicely!) and a number of friendships, partnerships and casual relationships with men have given me a basic list of  what I believe a man needs.  I thought I would outline it here and then invite comments if I have missed an important item or I have strayed off base.

A man needs to be listened to.  Really listened to. The unwinding at the end of a day, the running through the list, the little victories, and the larger triumphs are immensely important and sitting (or standing) and listening to not only the sound of his voice, but what he is really saying is key.  We women tend to talk (and sometimes not listen).  Call it a defense mechanism from the time your 4 year old asked you the same question 20 times, but if we don't listen to what the men in our lives are saying, we may miss something of incredible importance.

A man needs to be told he is handsome (or strong, or buff, or fill in the blank).  Men should be allowed the vanity that women have as a birth right.  The need to be complimented (and admired) doesn't change with the sexes.  The assistance of make-up and a culture that 'allows' us to be beautiful hasn't been as kind to men.  The reassurance of physical attractiveness goes beyond the surface to the inner core of a man.

A man needs to be needed.  Not to say that we need to be needy, just that we need to open ourselves up to the opportunity to let the men in our lives help us solve our problems and allow us to be vulnerable.  It does not take away from our independence if we confess our fears and our flaws and allow the men in our life to assist us in overcoming them.

A man needs to fix things.  It could be a power point presentation, a co-worker issue, or a washing machine, but the process of taking something logically apart and putting the pieces back together seems to be a universal characteristic of men.

A man needs to have it acknowledged that his identity is (usually) tied up in part in his career.  There are women who are similar in their needs, but due to the sheer fact that many of us have been pregnant, had children, and care for our parents,our roles are more complex in their definitions and our identities are less tied to a single channel or focus.

A man needs his children to respect him.  As a mother we tend to think in terms of unconditional love (and yes, respect is in there, but not as strongly as it is for a man.)  A man's children are his hopes for the future as well as his opportunity to influence is lineage and family name.

A man needs sex.  Not for the trite reasons (men are not animals), but because sex is a life affirming, intimate connection (most of the time) and the opportunity to let go completely for a brief moment is the respite a man needs from a world that judges him on control and power.

A man will and should tell us what he needs and we as women should want to give it to him because it creates the whole (women and man as complete).

And no, I don't need to tell you what I want. I believe you already know.