Do you read?

Studies have shown, time and time again, that reading stimulates the brain, allows us to visual the scenery and characters and immerse ourselves in the story.  Conversely, television is a passive activity that in large doses slows brain activity and function and actually hampers development and social adjustment.

I am not focused on the debate between whether one watches television, versus reads a book, but I am surprised at how few of my peer group (colleagues and friends) take the time to read books.  Yes, many of my network will scan the internet for industry news, review Linked In and Facebook to see what their friends and acquaintances are up to, but the actual number of these people who pick up a book, take the time to start, engage and finish are surprisingly few.  Most people tell me they don't have the time to read.  I wonder if  ,as an exercise, they will be willing to forgo a few hours of weekly television (or video games or fill in the blanks) to read a book?

I recently read a blog post that focused on the benefits of reading such as improved vocabulary, memory, writing skills, and other cognitive activities that lead to higher intelligence (or 'smarts') but I personally have received 'soft' benefits from reading that I thought I would highlight.

Reading is an escape to a world beyond our own.  Unlike television, where everything plotted and cast, where we don't have to imagine the voice, the face, or the location, reading a book allows us to envision the blue eyes of the protagonist, the soft skin of her child or the dark countenance of her lover.  We can fully immerse in (or if we are so inclined 'become' a part of) the adventure. For a brief time, we can 'be' in the world of the story, empathize with the characters and relate to the tale on a personal level.

Reading offers an understanding of other points of view.  We tend to surround ourselves with like minded people where our disagreements are few (and not far from a middle ground), but to read from a book written about a subject, or by an author that is far from our experiences or beliefs opens up the possibility that there are others facets to an issue, a person, an historic experience that we have not examined or have not yet fully understood.  It offers the opportunity for dialogue around these points of view and broadens our minds and experiences.

Reading gives us a reference point for what is going on in our world.  The literature of Orwell, Shakespeare, or J.K Rowling give us context for our daily lives.  Are we on a quest? Do we recognized the failings and foibles of mankind and can we know that the mistakes we made have been made by those before us? Can we learn from these teachings and not make those mistakes again?  Can we find humor in the fact that nothing of lifes experiences is fully unique to us and can we look at each day in our life in a broader context of what the 'end' of the story will be, happy, or otherwise.

I am a passionate reader.  I share with others what I have read, re-read what I am interested in, and would rather pick up a book (on my Kindle or in a hard copy) then do just about anything else (except maybe sex), Everything I read (be it a Travis McGee mystery, or the memoir of a chef) has taught me something about geography, history, humor, perseverance, place, history, religion, and most important, myself.

I challenge you to take the time to read a book on a subject that is new to you to see if when you put that book down you too walk away with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.  At best, reading will give you tools and context for daily life, and may help you broaden your point of view while still offering respite from the daily grind that life can become.

Vision for the future

I can't count the times people have asked me what my five year plan is career wise. It makes sense, career mapping, growth opportunities, goal setting etc.  I wonder, however, how many people in this ever changing world, actually execute on their five year plans?  Two year plans?  Six month plans?  I have personally found that every time I make a 'plan', something out of my control changes that plan and I find myself making a new plan.  Not back at square one, just taking a side road, or reexamining my options or even starting fresh and new.

So here is my vision for the future, a new and improved 5 year plan:

Short term (3-6 Month goal)

 I want to start giving more of myself and asking less of others.  I want to start with a smile, work up to a conversation, and end up, hopefully with a relationship that offers real value.  This can be in the professional arena, or in my personal life, but the intent is to make a distinct effort to add something positive to someone else's existence. Five years from now, I want to be able to have measurable results by counting the number, depth and breadth of the people who's lives I have influenced and who I have made a positive impact on.

6-12 Months

This is my opportunity to map out the skills I want to learn to help me achieve the goals of my five year plan, the ideas I want to share and the changes I want to make happen. I intend to grow self control (not saying what is on my mind in the immediate time frame),  practice patience and have serenity of mind. With this skill set, I will be able to move into arena's that are currently out of my reach through lack of focus, worrying needlessly and low self confidence.  This will allow me to make significant changes around me, by taking a step back, identifying the problem and being a part of the solution. Five years from now I will have a sense of balance and control that gives me the confidence to influence positive change.

Beyond 12 Months

I will not look back, but look forward to a plan that includes:

Specifically addressing my fears and overcoming them through the various solutions available.
Staying on track and leveraging what is new, not rehashing what is old.
Continually learning and growing.
Leveraging the existing relationships in my life and growing new ones.
Identifying the areas I am weak in, and finding solutions (or people) to fill in those gaps
Blundering boldly. Not being afraid to make decisions and/or hard choices

Long Term Goals

This is the kicker. Long term, I will use my skills and experiences, leverage my relationships and have the self confidence to have made a significant positive impact on the lives of others.  They will be enriched, educated, self sufficient, happier, healthier, or just more open minded due to the execution of my five year plan.

If you fill in the blanks here, you too can have a five year plan--a vision for the future.

Thankful

I missed American Thanksgiving this year. Not only did I miss Thanksgiving (living in Canada there were no reminders of the sacred event) but I missed the point of Thanksgiving this year.  For various reasons (many self created) I have been distracted of late from the foundation of what I am truly grateful for.  Thanksgiving, in America, at least for my family and friends, is about reflection, being thankful for the blessing in your life as well as food (and for many), football (not me!)

I have so much to be thankful for and I thought I would share a small list:

I am incredibly thankful for my immediate family.  Ron is my evil twin, the mastermind of my controlled chaos as well as my flexible mooring.  He is, in turns, my mentor, my opposition, my father, my child, and my complex,  but eager lover.  Robbie, my enigma.  He is brilliant, creative, self contained and wildly talented.  I burst with pride over his accomplishments and I am crushed when he is crushed.  Hannah is the electric combination of mine and Ron's best (and most challenging) attributes.  Her outward beauty, sharp intelligence and charm are a deadly combination that sucks not only us, but the world into her vortex.  They are my raison d'etre. My reason for being.

I am thankful for my parents.  The two people who have never let me down, who are always there and are surprisingly 'cool' for their age and era.  They are here with me on this planet (and were here in Canada for this week!) and they are sailing serenely into their 51st year of marriage.  A testament to longevity of life as well as love.

I am thankful for my friends.  The small, but important number of people who love me unconditionally, judge me not at all and share with me their triumphs and failures.  We are sounding boards for each other as well as partners in crime, and for them, I am grateful for the facets of understanding that go beyond my immediate world.

I am thankful for my job.  I truly am.  With so many people struggling professionally, I have found a 'home' at a company that challenges me but gives me a sense of place in the professional world.  I am not yet bored there and have not mastered the role and for those who know me well, that is an important distinction.

I am thankful for my extended family.  Both on my side, as well as Ron's.  We rally around each other in good times and in bad and to share events with those who have known you 'forever' gives me a broader sense of time and place.  The next generation gives us the opportunity to lavish our wisdom and love on those who will be in our position in the not to distant future.

Lastly, I am thankful to be me.  To have been endowed with good health and good genetics, above average intelligence, good teeth, good height, good weight and a innate sense of fun and good cheer (if not enough common sense).  These gifts (because they are that) should be embraced and well received and not taken for granted.  So much of our lives can be predetermined by who and where we come from and I am thankful for that foundation.

On this day, I am giving thanks.

Patience

Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.


I struggle with this trait.  I find that patience (a passive activity) is a challenge of the first order.  Patience (or lack of it) gives me the feeling of lacking control and control (exercising restraining or directing influence over) or the desire for control, does not marry well with patience.


Wikipedia says: In evolutionary psychology and in cognitive neuroscience, patience is studied as a decision-making problem, involving the choice of either a small reward in the short term, or a more valuable reward in the long term. When given a choice, all animals, humans included, are inclined to favour short term rewards over long term rewards. This is despite the often greater benefits associated with long term reward.


Interesting that I my lack of patience is a decision making problem, according to Wikipedia because I look at my lack of patience as constantly making IMMEDIATE decisions. I have a desire know the outcome in the immediate time frame.  To wrap up and execute on something to move on to something else.  


I have always felt completion is key.  No hanging threads, no back up plans, just get 'er done.  


I wonder about that characteristic and what compels this behaviour.  Why have a need to complete?  Not control, but execute immediately.  Is it a lack of patience or a desire to start something new?  

Robert Frost

I think about the poem by Robert Frost, 'The road not taken' the last stanza being

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 and I reflect on my past.

What I have come to realize is that I have taken both road.  One more traveled, one less. I haven't made one choice that affected the path of my life. I have gone down one road to realize it wasn't the one I wanted and back tracked to take the other road.

It takes a certain kind of person to constantly back track and take new roads (fool?) but I have yet to find a reason to stop.

When those two roads diverged in the woods, I took one road, then the next, and then the next....and THAT has made all the difference.

What a man needs

After a relatively sleepless night tossing and turning, my mind racing with things I could not immediately fix or  control, I decided to move on to a highly desirable topic.  Men.  As I lay there, I thought about what men need.  I like to say (modestly of course) that I have a little experience here.  A few marriages (one still chugging along quite nicely!) and a number of friendships, partnerships and casual relationships with men have given me a basic list of  what I believe a man needs.  I thought I would outline it here and then invite comments if I have missed an important item or I have strayed off base.

A man needs to be listened to.  Really listened to. The unwinding at the end of a day, the running through the list, the little victories, and the larger triumphs are immensely important and sitting (or standing) and listening to not only the sound of his voice, but what he is really saying is key.  We women tend to talk (and sometimes not listen).  Call it a defense mechanism from the time your 4 year old asked you the same question 20 times, but if we don't listen to what the men in our lives are saying, we may miss something of incredible importance.

A man needs to be told he is handsome (or strong, or buff, or fill in the blank).  Men should be allowed the vanity that women have as a birth right.  The need to be complimented (and admired) doesn't change with the sexes.  The assistance of make-up and a culture that 'allows' us to be beautiful hasn't been as kind to men.  The reassurance of physical attractiveness goes beyond the surface to the inner core of a man.

A man needs to be needed.  Not to say that we need to be needy, just that we need to open ourselves up to the opportunity to let the men in our lives help us solve our problems and allow us to be vulnerable.  It does not take away from our independence if we confess our fears and our flaws and allow the men in our life to assist us in overcoming them.

A man needs to fix things.  It could be a power point presentation, a co-worker issue, or a washing machine, but the process of taking something logically apart and putting the pieces back together seems to be a universal characteristic of men.

A man needs to have it acknowledged that his identity is (usually) tied up in part in his career.  There are women who are similar in their needs, but due to the sheer fact that many of us have been pregnant, had children, and care for our parents,our roles are more complex in their definitions and our identities are less tied to a single channel or focus.

A man needs his children to respect him.  As a mother we tend to think in terms of unconditional love (and yes, respect is in there, but not as strongly as it is for a man.)  A man's children are his hopes for the future as well as his opportunity to influence is lineage and family name.

A man needs sex.  Not for the trite reasons (men are not animals), but because sex is a life affirming, intimate connection (most of the time) and the opportunity to let go completely for a brief moment is the respite a man needs from a world that judges him on control and power.

A man will and should tell us what he needs and we as women should want to give it to him because it creates the whole (women and man as complete).

And no, I don't need to tell you what I want. I believe you already know.

Hard Work

It is said that failure is not the worst thing in the world.  The very worst is not to try.

Trying.  Harder.  Recently I have heard from two very nice men in positions of more power than mine that they don't work for money, or ego, but for the relationships they are building, the people they are helping and the problems they are solving.  These folks are in sales.  So am I.  The problem is...that in sales, we aren't only about helping people and solving problems.  We are also about adding value to the organization we work for. Money.  I have, in the past, helped people AND solved problems.  I worked in counseling.  Adults, duo diagnosis (emotional disorders and an addiction).  They had problems.  Insurmountable at times.  Sales, it is about problem solving with out a DSMVII.  If you know what the problem is, you can solve it with a solution.  It is about pain points, and how much pain your prospect is in.  It is also about how well you can communicate a value proposition around solving those pain points.

I have a pain point.  I am not solving problems and it makes me feel like a failure so...

Each day, I am trying harder.

The Ritual Bath

I take a bath every night.  It is something I have always done through the years.  In some cultures and religions the ritual of the bath is a spiritual and cultural necessity.  A cleansing of one in a step by step process with the outcome purity.

I am consistent in my ritual and have taken baths since I was a child in much the same manner. I turn on the water as hot as I can handle, allowing the bathroom to steam up.  I accompany my ritual with a book (always), a glass of wine (most of the time) and a candle (when I am feeling a sense of nostalgia).  I step in and for 20 minutes or so soak off the transgressions, troubles and even the triumphs of the day.  The reading of a book that has no literary value is key as well. It is a form of meditation, an emptying of my mind and completes the process.  The bath may change (large roman soakers at my former suburban homes, the small cramped tub during mine and Robbie's 'only' years with GI Joes and Silly Soap), but the ritual stays the same.

As I step out from the tub, dry myself off and start the nighttime routine, I have an inevitable sense of peace.

Crossroads and the Tarot

Last night I went to my second annual Ice Wine and Dine downtown. Last year we attended the event we had our cards read by the fortune teller. Her readings were spooky and accurate and for someone who is a 'skeptic' I was blown away. We went to see her the minute we arrived at the event and she did not disappoint again.

I asked the question 'I am at a crossroads right now, what should I do?' She advised me of my desire to control outcomes and my lack of patience and pointed out that I had set the wheels in motion for the transition, but that it was important for me stop trying to make things happen and let things happen. She gave me the freedom to 'relax' for the next four months as things settled in, but let me know that all of the strategic moves I have been making were pointing me in the right direction.

My work. It is a huge part of my life, a home away from home, and a source of ongoing passion and frustration for me. I have changed careers, jobs, and roles many times and my desire to find the 'right role' in the 'right place' seems to be the bane of my existence. I believe I have found the place, but the changes have taken place that are beyond my control. I have worked diligently and strategically to make a place for myself in the new organization. That the fortune teller sensed my uneasiness (and for me, that is unusual) lead me to believe that there are people who know how to sense or see the essence of our souls to some extent.

My question, expanded is, how does one accept that everything is going to change yet again, and not (as I have always done) try to control the outcome, but instead accept that there are things that are destined to occur with out a 'helping' hand?