It is a hard thing, to be betrayed. Harder still when the one who betrays you is someone you trusted, opened up to, and considered that all important and rare commodity, 'a friend'.
The dictionary defines betrayal in a couple of ways:
To deliver or expose an enemy to treachery or disloyalty
To be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining or fulfilling
To disappoint the hopes, or expectations
To reveal, unconsciously
The worst form of betrayal is not the exposure of an enemy to treachery or disloyalty. It is the exposure of a friend's treachery. How difficult to be betrayed by someone who professed to have one's best interests at heart, one who is coaching, offering advice and providing feedback. Someone one looked up to, listened to, trusted. How hard to look at that person in the face, knowing that the facade is just that, a facade that hides someone who is untrue.
It is folly to think that anyone lives a life empty of dissembling or manipulation (or even dishonesty) but there a levels and a scale in which dishonesty and betrayal go from 'benign' to toxic.
What happens to one who is betrayed? Does that individual seek revenge, slink away to wallow in pain, or lift one's head and recognize that one who betrays is really betraying themselves and that in time the machinations will open them up to a certain vulnerability as well as a degradation of spirit and soul that will lead to unhappiness, loss of prestige, power and control.
At the end of the day, it is better to be truthful, to protect one's own soul, then to betray a trust, for what ever reason.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Beauty
Hannah is beautiful. Independent corroboration has determined this. The average person on the street stops and comments on her visual exterior beauty on a more regular basis then is considered normal.
Recently a colleague of mine (who happens to be drop dead gorgeous) and I discussed outward beauty and what it meant in terms of the doors it opens, the opinions that are formed and the drawbacks of being better than average visually. I pondered with my colleague whether it was helpful or a deterient to being taken seriously. We both agree that there are certain aspects that are a benefit, but that there have been circumstances that also occur that make it hard to determine whether it was helpful or hurtful.
Back to Hannah. We focus a lot on the importance of beauty on the inside...the kindness, thoughtfulness and necessity to be a good person to others. We talk of the people we know who get 'uglier' as we get to know them (based on a shallowness, a lack of compassion, or a lack of true depth). We also speak of those who get more beautiful as we engage them, who's inner beauty shines and lights up their outer countenance. We hope that she gets the message and as she grows up she understands the importance being beautiful on the 'inside'.
I read an incredible book this weekend. It was about Vera Atkins, a spymistress from England during World War II and recollections include comment & focus on her physical appearance and exterior beauty. After reading, I searched for pictures on the internet and found a women who, in modern standards would be considered normal or average in appearance. After reading the book, I could only imagine that those who knew her would believe firmly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world based on her sheer desire to help others (millions of others) in need. That is beauty.
Recently a colleague of mine (who happens to be drop dead gorgeous) and I discussed outward beauty and what it meant in terms of the doors it opens, the opinions that are formed and the drawbacks of being better than average visually. I pondered with my colleague whether it was helpful or a deterient to being taken seriously. We both agree that there are certain aspects that are a benefit, but that there have been circumstances that also occur that make it hard to determine whether it was helpful or hurtful.
Back to Hannah. We focus a lot on the importance of beauty on the inside...the kindness, thoughtfulness and necessity to be a good person to others. We talk of the people we know who get 'uglier' as we get to know them (based on a shallowness, a lack of compassion, or a lack of true depth). We also speak of those who get more beautiful as we engage them, who's inner beauty shines and lights up their outer countenance. We hope that she gets the message and as she grows up she understands the importance being beautiful on the 'inside'.
I read an incredible book this weekend. It was about Vera Atkins, a spymistress from England during World War II and recollections include comment & focus on her physical appearance and exterior beauty. After reading, I searched for pictures on the internet and found a women who, in modern standards would be considered normal or average in appearance. After reading the book, I could only imagine that those who knew her would believe firmly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world based on her sheer desire to help others (millions of others) in need. That is beauty.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sin
I went to church today. Ron joked that he and Hannah were going to avoid standing to close to me in case I burst into flames.
There is a lot mentioned about sin at church. I haven't really given to much thought to the idea of sin. Is it that I am, at heart a sinner? Prior to writing this post, I would not be able to list the Seven Deadly Sins. For those of you who read my blog and didn't know either, I thought I would post them below:
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (This word translates to apathy), Wrath, Envy, Pride and Vainglory (boasting).
Consider the below my 'sin assessment':
Let's start with lust. Lust is apparently 'excessive' sexual thoughts. What is considered 'excessive'? There isn't a moment of the day that I don't allow my thoughts to stray to lustful thoughts if I can. The positive feelings and warmth associated with a lustful thought help stave off the frustrations and difficulties in every day life. Am I sinning by 'thinking' lustful thoughts or is it a sin only if I actually engage in lustful activities. Where does one draw the line? It is definite that I am guilty of this sin.
Gluttony is an interesting one. The definition that is provided is 'over consumption of anything' to the point of waste. I personally try and not be a glutton when it comes to food, but there are times when I over indulge. I think wine might fall under this category so I am thinking this is also a 'sin' in my yes column.
If you asked me point blank if I thought I was greedy, I would probably say no, but if Greed is defined as access then I can identify with this sin. Every time I go to Costco or Winners and buy a pair of shoes I don't need I am guilty of greed. I guess I have to mark this one as a yes as well.
Sloth. Yes. Lately. There is always an excuse to not exercise, to drive versus walk, to sit versus stand. To not give unto others, but to take (a sign of laziness) and to mentally not challenge myself to do 'more'. No excuses, just sin.
Acedia (or apathy, depression with out joy) is probably not high on my list of sins, however, if you talk to me after a challenging, unfruitful day of work, I tend to indulge in this sin as a default. Hmmm...I may need to put this in a gray area, little yes, little no.
Wrath. Yes. I have (and do) exhibit rage at times. Revenge is part of wrath and I have sought revenge for my perceived personal wrongs. Sigh...here is yet another sin I am guilty of.
On no! Envy! I can't help but look at the bigger condo, the nicer dress and the less lined face, younger face (and/or smaller butt) and feel envy. How does one avoid this sin? There is always someone one rung up the ladder, right where you hope to stand.
Pride is a sin. We tell our children we are proud of them. We say we are proud of ourselves. I take 'pride' in my work. Sin. Once again, I seem to find myself in the yes, versus no column.
The last sin in Vainglory. This is not a word we hear in this day and age. Apparently it means unjustified boasting (modern day narcissism.) I have to admit that at times I am narcissistic. I focus too much time and energy on the outer trappings, worry too much about the minutiae in life and focus (okay obsess) on issues that really only effect one person, me. If that is vainglory, then I am guilty as charged.
I didn't burst into flames today. I took away something important from the homily as well as the theme of the sermon.
I walked away with the knowledge that I am indeed a sinner, but that the first step in atonement is to acknowledge one's sins and ask for forgiveness.
I have acknowledged that I am a sinner. When I am ready to stop sinning, I will start asking for forgiveness.
There is a lot mentioned about sin at church. I haven't really given to much thought to the idea of sin. Is it that I am, at heart a sinner? Prior to writing this post, I would not be able to list the Seven Deadly Sins. For those of you who read my blog and didn't know either, I thought I would post them below:
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (This word translates to apathy), Wrath, Envy, Pride and Vainglory (boasting).
Consider the below my 'sin assessment':
Let's start with lust. Lust is apparently 'excessive' sexual thoughts. What is considered 'excessive'? There isn't a moment of the day that I don't allow my thoughts to stray to lustful thoughts if I can. The positive feelings and warmth associated with a lustful thought help stave off the frustrations and difficulties in every day life. Am I sinning by 'thinking' lustful thoughts or is it a sin only if I actually engage in lustful activities. Where does one draw the line? It is definite that I am guilty of this sin.
Gluttony is an interesting one. The definition that is provided is 'over consumption of anything' to the point of waste. I personally try and not be a glutton when it comes to food, but there are times when I over indulge. I think wine might fall under this category so I am thinking this is also a 'sin' in my yes column.
If you asked me point blank if I thought I was greedy, I would probably say no, but if Greed is defined as access then I can identify with this sin. Every time I go to Costco or Winners and buy a pair of shoes I don't need I am guilty of greed. I guess I have to mark this one as a yes as well.
Sloth. Yes. Lately. There is always an excuse to not exercise, to drive versus walk, to sit versus stand. To not give unto others, but to take (a sign of laziness) and to mentally not challenge myself to do 'more'. No excuses, just sin.
Acedia (or apathy, depression with out joy) is probably not high on my list of sins, however, if you talk to me after a challenging, unfruitful day of work, I tend to indulge in this sin as a default. Hmmm...I may need to put this in a gray area, little yes, little no.
Wrath. Yes. I have (and do) exhibit rage at times. Revenge is part of wrath and I have sought revenge for my perceived personal wrongs. Sigh...here is yet another sin I am guilty of.
On no! Envy! I can't help but look at the bigger condo, the nicer dress and the less lined face, younger face (and/or smaller butt) and feel envy. How does one avoid this sin? There is always someone one rung up the ladder, right where you hope to stand.
Pride is a sin. We tell our children we are proud of them. We say we are proud of ourselves. I take 'pride' in my work. Sin. Once again, I seem to find myself in the yes, versus no column.
The last sin in Vainglory. This is not a word we hear in this day and age. Apparently it means unjustified boasting (modern day narcissism.) I have to admit that at times I am narcissistic. I focus too much time and energy on the outer trappings, worry too much about the minutiae in life and focus (okay obsess) on issues that really only effect one person, me. If that is vainglory, then I am guilty as charged.
I didn't burst into flames today. I took away something important from the homily as well as the theme of the sermon.
I walked away with the knowledge that I am indeed a sinner, but that the first step in atonement is to acknowledge one's sins and ask for forgiveness.
I have acknowledged that I am a sinner. When I am ready to stop sinning, I will start asking for forgiveness.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Running away and joining the circus
Ever since I watched on television the old Disney movie 'Toby Tyler' I dreamed of running away and joining the circus. If I could just live in a small wagon, juggle a few items, maybe walk the tightrope and all in perfect smiling make up and a tu tu...wow...I would be happy and satisfied.
It is my line when life's pressures weigh on me and I lack the coping skills to deal with tomorrow or the next day. When a safety net seems not only a good idea, but necessary to catch me when I am falling down.
What is it about the thought of 'running away' that is so appealing. Does it mean that I will not have to wash my clothing? Pay a bill? Pick up the child? Walk the dog? Go to work? Meet the demands that other's have on my life. What I am I running away from? What am I running to?
Responsibility. What a hard, and difficult word. My sense of responsibility to the others around me is a heavy load. The responsibility to the children I gave birth to, the man I married, the dog I didn't really want, but have, it exists...ongoing. Extend it to a job that is challenging, a family that is extended, a world that is expensive and scary-- the weight of all of it seems unmanageable.
Ah...the circus. Flying through the air, knowing if you drop, you will still be okay (a net is there, after all). The clowns that make you laugh. The uprooting and restarting in a new city, town, country. The 'family' that isn't 'your family' (or your responsibility). The challenges physical, not mental. It seems so attractive, so simple, so uncomplicated.
Conversely I could say 'My current life is a circus'. The balls I juggle, the objects I balance on, the people I paint on a smile for and hope that they don't see through the 'act'. The world at large that I am here, on this planet, to entertain. To suspend disbelief. To give a respite from their own issues and troubles.
Maybe it isn't the circus I want to run away to. Maybe I am already IN the circus.
It is my line when life's pressures weigh on me and I lack the coping skills to deal with tomorrow or the next day. When a safety net seems not only a good idea, but necessary to catch me when I am falling down.
What is it about the thought of 'running away' that is so appealing. Does it mean that I will not have to wash my clothing? Pay a bill? Pick up the child? Walk the dog? Go to work? Meet the demands that other's have on my life. What I am I running away from? What am I running to?
Responsibility. What a hard, and difficult word. My sense of responsibility to the others around me is a heavy load. The responsibility to the children I gave birth to, the man I married, the dog I didn't really want, but have, it exists...ongoing. Extend it to a job that is challenging, a family that is extended, a world that is expensive and scary-- the weight of all of it seems unmanageable.
Ah...the circus. Flying through the air, knowing if you drop, you will still be okay (a net is there, after all). The clowns that make you laugh. The uprooting and restarting in a new city, town, country. The 'family' that isn't 'your family' (or your responsibility). The challenges physical, not mental. It seems so attractive, so simple, so uncomplicated.
Conversely I could say 'My current life is a circus'. The balls I juggle, the objects I balance on, the people I paint on a smile for and hope that they don't see through the 'act'. The world at large that I am here, on this planet, to entertain. To suspend disbelief. To give a respite from their own issues and troubles.
Maybe it isn't the circus I want to run away to. Maybe I am already IN the circus.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Success versus Power
Lately I have been pondering the difference between success and power. According to Dictionary.com there are a couple definitions for the word 'success'. I like this version: The favorable outcome of something attempted. Power, on the other hand is defined as: Great or marked ability to do or act; strength, might, force.
What defines a powerful person? How about a successful one? If I had a choice, would I wish to be powerful, or successful?
One theory is that those who seek power are fearful. There is a Chinese quote that 'Those who seek power for personal ends eventually run afoul of popular opinion'.
On success there is a quote by Sri Chinmoy that 'True success is the only thing you can not have unless you have offered it to others'.
Here are my thoughts on people who seek power, versus people who seek success:
People who seek power are looking to control. They are looking to control the insecurities in themselves and attempt to exploit others to achieve control.
People who are successful have a positive attitude and while they have fear, they don't let it control them. They recognized they need others to accomplish their goals and leverage those relationships.
Power is fleeting. Success is sustainable.
Success can be shared, celebrated, grown, nurtured.
Power is individual, and shifts from one person to another--a grasp, a climb, a precarious position.
Success can be measured. Power cannot.
People can be caught in the crossfires of a power struggle. Have you ever heard of anyone 'jockeying' for success? One can be powerless or unsuccessful, but the implications of those words are different. One can dust themselves off from an unsuccessful attempt and try again, but powerlessness implies that one is rendered such by others and can be stuck there.
People in power manipulate others. Success requires effort and hard work.
Power corrupts. Success requires focused optimism.
It is obvious that I believe that being a successful person is more important than being a powerful one. Not to say that I don't believe in being empowered or in empowering others because that is different. Being empowered means there is a sharing of power, not a desire 'for' power. Empowering others can lead to success.
Starting today, I will surround myself with successful people and seek a favorable outcome to the problems I am faced with. How about you?
What defines a powerful person? How about a successful one? If I had a choice, would I wish to be powerful, or successful?
One theory is that those who seek power are fearful. There is a Chinese quote that 'Those who seek power for personal ends eventually run afoul of popular opinion'.
On success there is a quote by Sri Chinmoy that 'True success is the only thing you can not have unless you have offered it to others'.
Here are my thoughts on people who seek power, versus people who seek success:
People who seek power are looking to control. They are looking to control the insecurities in themselves and attempt to exploit others to achieve control.
People who are successful have a positive attitude and while they have fear, they don't let it control them. They recognized they need others to accomplish their goals and leverage those relationships.
Power is fleeting. Success is sustainable.
Success can be shared, celebrated, grown, nurtured.
Power is individual, and shifts from one person to another--a grasp, a climb, a precarious position.
Success can be measured. Power cannot.
People can be caught in the crossfires of a power struggle. Have you ever heard of anyone 'jockeying' for success? One can be powerless or unsuccessful, but the implications of those words are different. One can dust themselves off from an unsuccessful attempt and try again, but powerlessness implies that one is rendered such by others and can be stuck there.
People in power manipulate others. Success requires effort and hard work.
Power corrupts. Success requires focused optimism.
It is obvious that I believe that being a successful person is more important than being a powerful one. Not to say that I don't believe in being empowered or in empowering others because that is different. Being empowered means there is a sharing of power, not a desire 'for' power. Empowering others can lead to success.
Starting today, I will surround myself with successful people and seek a favorable outcome to the problems I am faced with. How about you?
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Do you read?
Studies have shown, time and time again, that reading stimulates the brain, allows us to visual the scenery and characters and immerse ourselves in the story. Conversely, television is a passive activity that in large doses slows brain activity and function and actually hampers development and social adjustment.
I am not focused on the debate between whether one watches television, versus reads a book, but I am surprised at how few of my peer group (colleagues and friends) take the time to read books. Yes, many of my network will scan the internet for industry news, review Linked In and Facebook to see what their friends and acquaintances are up to, but the actual number of these people who pick up a book, take the time to start, engage and finish are surprisingly few. Most people tell me they don't have the time to read. I wonder if ,as an exercise, they will be willing to forgo a few hours of weekly television (or video games or fill in the blanks) to read a book?
I recently read a blog post that focused on the benefits of reading such as improved vocabulary, memory, writing skills, and other cognitive activities that lead to higher intelligence (or 'smarts') but I personally have received 'soft' benefits from reading that I thought I would highlight.
Reading is an escape to a world beyond our own. Unlike television, where everything plotted and cast, where we don't have to imagine the voice, the face, or the location, reading a book allows us to envision the blue eyes of the protagonist, the soft skin of her child or the dark countenance of her lover. We can fully immerse in (or if we are so inclined 'become' a part of) the adventure. For a brief time, we can 'be' in the world of the story, empathize with the characters and relate to the tale on a personal level.
Reading offers an understanding of other points of view. We tend to surround ourselves with like minded people where our disagreements are few (and not far from a middle ground), but to read from a book written about a subject, or by an author that is far from our experiences or beliefs opens up the possibility that there are others facets to an issue, a person, an historic experience that we have not examined or have not yet fully understood. It offers the opportunity for dialogue around these points of view and broadens our minds and experiences.
Reading gives us a reference point for what is going on in our world. The literature of Orwell, Shakespeare, or J.K Rowling give us context for our daily lives. Are we on a quest? Do we recognized the failings and foibles of mankind and can we know that the mistakes we made have been made by those before us? Can we learn from these teachings and not make those mistakes again? Can we find humor in the fact that nothing of lifes experiences is fully unique to us and can we look at each day in our life in a broader context of what the 'end' of the story will be, happy, or otherwise.
I am a passionate reader. I share with others what I have read, re-read what I am interested in, and would rather pick up a book (on my Kindle or in a hard copy) then do just about anything else (except maybe sex), Everything I read (be it a Travis McGee mystery, or the memoir of a chef) has taught me something about geography, history, humor, perseverance, place, history, religion, and most important, myself.
I challenge you to take the time to read a book on a subject that is new to you to see if when you put that book down you too walk away with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you. At best, reading will give you tools and context for daily life, and may help you broaden your point of view while still offering respite from the daily grind that life can become.
I am not focused on the debate between whether one watches television, versus reads a book, but I am surprised at how few of my peer group (colleagues and friends) take the time to read books. Yes, many of my network will scan the internet for industry news, review Linked In and Facebook to see what their friends and acquaintances are up to, but the actual number of these people who pick up a book, take the time to start, engage and finish are surprisingly few. Most people tell me they don't have the time to read. I wonder if ,as an exercise, they will be willing to forgo a few hours of weekly television (or video games or fill in the blanks) to read a book?
I recently read a blog post that focused on the benefits of reading such as improved vocabulary, memory, writing skills, and other cognitive activities that lead to higher intelligence (or 'smarts') but I personally have received 'soft' benefits from reading that I thought I would highlight.
Reading is an escape to a world beyond our own. Unlike television, where everything plotted and cast, where we don't have to imagine the voice, the face, or the location, reading a book allows us to envision the blue eyes of the protagonist, the soft skin of her child or the dark countenance of her lover. We can fully immerse in (or if we are so inclined 'become' a part of) the adventure. For a brief time, we can 'be' in the world of the story, empathize with the characters and relate to the tale on a personal level.
Reading offers an understanding of other points of view. We tend to surround ourselves with like minded people where our disagreements are few (and not far from a middle ground), but to read from a book written about a subject, or by an author that is far from our experiences or beliefs opens up the possibility that there are others facets to an issue, a person, an historic experience that we have not examined or have not yet fully understood. It offers the opportunity for dialogue around these points of view and broadens our minds and experiences.
Reading gives us a reference point for what is going on in our world. The literature of Orwell, Shakespeare, or J.K Rowling give us context for our daily lives. Are we on a quest? Do we recognized the failings and foibles of mankind and can we know that the mistakes we made have been made by those before us? Can we learn from these teachings and not make those mistakes again? Can we find humor in the fact that nothing of lifes experiences is fully unique to us and can we look at each day in our life in a broader context of what the 'end' of the story will be, happy, or otherwise.
I am a passionate reader. I share with others what I have read, re-read what I am interested in, and would rather pick up a book (on my Kindle or in a hard copy) then do just about anything else (except maybe sex), Everything I read (be it a Travis McGee mystery, or the memoir of a chef) has taught me something about geography, history, humor, perseverance, place, history, religion, and most important, myself.
I challenge you to take the time to read a book on a subject that is new to you to see if when you put that book down you too walk away with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you. At best, reading will give you tools and context for daily life, and may help you broaden your point of view while still offering respite from the daily grind that life can become.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Vision for the future
I can't count the times people have asked me what my five year plan is career wise. It makes sense, career mapping, growth opportunities, goal setting etc. I wonder, however, how many people in this ever changing world, actually execute on their five year plans? Two year plans? Six month plans? I have personally found that every time I make a 'plan', something out of my control changes that plan and I find myself making a new plan. Not back at square one, just taking a side road, or reexamining my options or even starting fresh and new.
So here is my vision for the future, a new and improved 5 year plan:
Short term (3-6 Month goal)
I want to start giving more of myself and asking less of others. I want to start with a smile, work up to a conversation, and end up, hopefully with a relationship that offers real value. This can be in the professional arena, or in my personal life, but the intent is to make a distinct effort to add something positive to someone else's existence. Five years from now, I want to be able to have measurable results by counting the number, depth and breadth of the people who's lives I have influenced and who I have made a positive impact on.
6-12 Months
This is my opportunity to map out the skills I want to learn to help me achieve the goals of my five year plan, the ideas I want to share and the changes I want to make happen. I intend to grow self control (not saying what is on my mind in the immediate time frame), practice patience and have serenity of mind. With this skill set, I will be able to move into arena's that are currently out of my reach through lack of focus, worrying needlessly and low self confidence. This will allow me to make significant changes around me, by taking a step back, identifying the problem and being a part of the solution. Five years from now I will have a sense of balance and control that gives me the confidence to influence positive change.
Beyond 12 Months
I will not look back, but look forward to a plan that includes:
Specifically addressing my fears and overcoming them through the various solutions available.
Staying on track and leveraging what is new, not rehashing what is old.
Continually learning and growing.
Leveraging the existing relationships in my life and growing new ones.
Identifying the areas I am weak in, and finding solutions (or people) to fill in those gaps
Blundering boldly. Not being afraid to make decisions and/or hard choices
Long Term Goals
This is the kicker. Long term, I will use my skills and experiences, leverage my relationships and have the self confidence to have made a significant positive impact on the lives of others. They will be enriched, educated, self sufficient, happier, healthier, or just more open minded due to the execution of my five year plan.
If you fill in the blanks here, you too can have a five year plan--a vision for the future.
So here is my vision for the future, a new and improved 5 year plan:
Short term (3-6 Month goal)
I want to start giving more of myself and asking less of others. I want to start with a smile, work up to a conversation, and end up, hopefully with a relationship that offers real value. This can be in the professional arena, or in my personal life, but the intent is to make a distinct effort to add something positive to someone else's existence. Five years from now, I want to be able to have measurable results by counting the number, depth and breadth of the people who's lives I have influenced and who I have made a positive impact on.
6-12 Months
This is my opportunity to map out the skills I want to learn to help me achieve the goals of my five year plan, the ideas I want to share and the changes I want to make happen. I intend to grow self control (not saying what is on my mind in the immediate time frame), practice patience and have serenity of mind. With this skill set, I will be able to move into arena's that are currently out of my reach through lack of focus, worrying needlessly and low self confidence. This will allow me to make significant changes around me, by taking a step back, identifying the problem and being a part of the solution. Five years from now I will have a sense of balance and control that gives me the confidence to influence positive change.
Beyond 12 Months
I will not look back, but look forward to a plan that includes:
Specifically addressing my fears and overcoming them through the various solutions available.
Staying on track and leveraging what is new, not rehashing what is old.
Continually learning and growing.
Leveraging the existing relationships in my life and growing new ones.
Identifying the areas I am weak in, and finding solutions (or people) to fill in those gaps
Blundering boldly. Not being afraid to make decisions and/or hard choices
Long Term Goals
This is the kicker. Long term, I will use my skills and experiences, leverage my relationships and have the self confidence to have made a significant positive impact on the lives of others. They will be enriched, educated, self sufficient, happier, healthier, or just more open minded due to the execution of my five year plan.
If you fill in the blanks here, you too can have a five year plan--a vision for the future.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thankful
I missed American Thanksgiving this year. Not only did I miss Thanksgiving (living in Canada there were no reminders of the sacred event) but I missed the point of Thanksgiving this year. For various reasons (many self created) I have been distracted of late from the foundation of what I am truly grateful for. Thanksgiving, in America, at least for my family and friends, is about reflection, being thankful for the blessing in your life as well as food (and for many), football (not me!)
I have so much to be thankful for and I thought I would share a small list:
I am incredibly thankful for my immediate family. Ron is my evil twin, the mastermind of my controlled chaos as well as my flexible mooring. He is, in turns, my mentor, my opposition, my father, my child, and my complex, but eager lover. Robbie, my enigma. He is brilliant, creative, self contained and wildly talented. I burst with pride over his accomplishments and I am crushed when he is crushed. Hannah is the electric combination of mine and Ron's best (and most challenging) attributes. Her outward beauty, sharp intelligence and charm are a deadly combination that sucks not only us, but the world into her vortex. They are my raison d'etre. My reason for being.
I am thankful for my parents. The two people who have never let me down, who are always there and are surprisingly 'cool' for their age and era. They are here with me on this planet (and were here in Canada for this week!) and they are sailing serenely into their 51st year of marriage. A testament to longevity of life as well as love.
I am thankful for my friends. The small, but important number of people who love me unconditionally, judge me not at all and share with me their triumphs and failures. We are sounding boards for each other as well as partners in crime, and for them, I am grateful for the facets of understanding that go beyond my immediate world.
I am thankful for my job. I truly am. With so many people struggling professionally, I have found a 'home' at a company that challenges me but gives me a sense of place in the professional world. I am not yet bored there and have not mastered the role and for those who know me well, that is an important distinction.
I am thankful for my extended family. Both on my side, as well as Ron's. We rally around each other in good times and in bad and to share events with those who have known you 'forever' gives me a broader sense of time and place. The next generation gives us the opportunity to lavish our wisdom and love on those who will be in our position in the not to distant future.
Lastly, I am thankful to be me. To have been endowed with good health and good genetics, above average intelligence, good teeth, good height, good weight and a innate sense of fun and good cheer (if not enough common sense). These gifts (because they are that) should be embraced and well received and not taken for granted. So much of our lives can be predetermined by who and where we come from and I am thankful for that foundation.
On this day, I am giving thanks.
I have so much to be thankful for and I thought I would share a small list:
I am incredibly thankful for my immediate family. Ron is my evil twin, the mastermind of my controlled chaos as well as my flexible mooring. He is, in turns, my mentor, my opposition, my father, my child, and my complex, but eager lover. Robbie, my enigma. He is brilliant, creative, self contained and wildly talented. I burst with pride over his accomplishments and I am crushed when he is crushed. Hannah is the electric combination of mine and Ron's best (and most challenging) attributes. Her outward beauty, sharp intelligence and charm are a deadly combination that sucks not only us, but the world into her vortex. They are my raison d'etre. My reason for being.
I am thankful for my parents. The two people who have never let me down, who are always there and are surprisingly 'cool' for their age and era. They are here with me on this planet (and were here in Canada for this week!) and they are sailing serenely into their 51st year of marriage. A testament to longevity of life as well as love.
I am thankful for my friends. The small, but important number of people who love me unconditionally, judge me not at all and share with me their triumphs and failures. We are sounding boards for each other as well as partners in crime, and for them, I am grateful for the facets of understanding that go beyond my immediate world.
I am thankful for my job. I truly am. With so many people struggling professionally, I have found a 'home' at a company that challenges me but gives me a sense of place in the professional world. I am not yet bored there and have not mastered the role and for those who know me well, that is an important distinction.
I am thankful for my extended family. Both on my side, as well as Ron's. We rally around each other in good times and in bad and to share events with those who have known you 'forever' gives me a broader sense of time and place. The next generation gives us the opportunity to lavish our wisdom and love on those who will be in our position in the not to distant future.
Lastly, I am thankful to be me. To have been endowed with good health and good genetics, above average intelligence, good teeth, good height, good weight and a innate sense of fun and good cheer (if not enough common sense). These gifts (because they are that) should be embraced and well received and not taken for granted. So much of our lives can be predetermined by who and where we come from and I am thankful for that foundation.
On this day, I am giving thanks.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Patience
Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.
I struggle with this trait. I find that patience (a passive activity) is a challenge of the first order. Patience (or lack of it) gives me the feeling of lacking control and control (exercising restraining or directing influence over) or the desire for control, does not marry well with patience.
Wikipedia says: In evolutionary psychology and in cognitive neuroscience, patience is studied as a decision-making problem, involving the choice of either a small reward in the short term, or a more valuable reward in the long term. When given a choice, all animals, humans included, are inclined to favour short term rewards over long term rewards. This is despite the often greater benefits associated with long term reward.
Interesting that I my lack of patience is a decision making problem, according to Wikipedia because I look at my lack of patience as constantly making IMMEDIATE decisions. I have a desire know the outcome in the immediate time frame. To wrap up and execute on something to move on to something else.
I have always felt completion is key. No hanging threads, no back up plans, just get 'er done.
I wonder about that characteristic and what compels this behaviour. Why have a need to complete? Not control, but execute immediately. Is it a lack of patience or a desire to start something new?
I struggle with this trait. I find that patience (a passive activity) is a challenge of the first order. Patience (or lack of it) gives me the feeling of lacking control and control (exercising restraining or directing influence over) or the desire for control, does not marry well with patience.
Wikipedia says: In evolutionary psychology and in cognitive neuroscience, patience is studied as a decision-making problem, involving the choice of either a small reward in the short term, or a more valuable reward in the long term. When given a choice, all animals, humans included, are inclined to favour short term rewards over long term rewards. This is despite the often greater benefits associated with long term reward.
Interesting that I my lack of patience is a decision making problem, according to Wikipedia because I look at my lack of patience as constantly making IMMEDIATE decisions. I have a desire know the outcome in the immediate time frame. To wrap up and execute on something to move on to something else.
I have always felt completion is key. No hanging threads, no back up plans, just get 'er done.
I wonder about that characteristic and what compels this behaviour. Why have a need to complete? Not control, but execute immediately. Is it a lack of patience or a desire to start something new?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Robert Frost
I think about the poem by Robert Frost, 'The road not taken' the last stanza being
and I reflect on my past.
What I have come to realize is that I have taken both road. One more traveled, one less. I haven't made one choice that affected the path of my life. I have gone down one road to realize it wasn't the one I wanted and back tracked to take the other road.
It takes a certain kind of person to constantly back track and take new roads (fool?) but I have yet to find a reason to stop.
When those two roads diverged in the woods, I took one road, then the next, and then the next....and THAT has made all the difference.
| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— | |
| I took the one less traveled by, | |
| And that has made all the difference. |
What I have come to realize is that I have taken both road. One more traveled, one less. I haven't made one choice that affected the path of my life. I have gone down one road to realize it wasn't the one I wanted and back tracked to take the other road.
It takes a certain kind of person to constantly back track and take new roads (fool?) but I have yet to find a reason to stop.
When those two roads diverged in the woods, I took one road, then the next, and then the next....and THAT has made all the difference.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What a man needs
After a relatively sleepless night tossing and turning, my mind racing with things I could not immediately fix or control, I decided to move on to a highly desirable topic. Men. As I lay there, I thought about what men need. I like to say (modestly of course) that I have a little experience here. A few marriages (one still chugging along quite nicely!) and a number of friendships, partnerships and casual relationships with men have given me a basic list of what I believe a man needs. I thought I would outline it here and then invite comments if I have missed an important item or I have strayed off base.
A man needs to be listened to. Really listened to. The unwinding at the end of a day, the running through the list, the little victories, and the larger triumphs are immensely important and sitting (or standing) and listening to not only the sound of his voice, but what he is really saying is key. We women tend to talk (and sometimes not listen). Call it a defense mechanism from the time your 4 year old asked you the same question 20 times, but if we don't listen to what the men in our lives are saying, we may miss something of incredible importance.
A man needs to be told he is handsome (or strong, or buff, or fill in the blank). Men should be allowed the vanity that women have as a birth right. The need to be complimented (and admired) doesn't change with the sexes. The assistance of make-up and a culture that 'allows' us to be beautiful hasn't been as kind to men. The reassurance of physical attractiveness goes beyond the surface to the inner core of a man.
A man needs to be needed. Not to say that we need to be needy, just that we need to open ourselves up to the opportunity to let the men in our lives help us solve our problems and allow us to be vulnerable. It does not take away from our independence if we confess our fears and our flaws and allow the men in our life to assist us in overcoming them.
A man needs to fix things. It could be a power point presentation, a co-worker issue, or a washing machine, but the process of taking something logically apart and putting the pieces back together seems to be a universal characteristic of men.
A man needs to have it acknowledged that his identity is (usually) tied up in part in his career. There are women who are similar in their needs, but due to the sheer fact that many of us have been pregnant, had children, and care for our parents,our roles are more complex in their definitions and our identities are less tied to a single channel or focus.
A man needs his children to respect him. As a mother we tend to think in terms of unconditional love (and yes, respect is in there, but not as strongly as it is for a man.) A man's children are his hopes for the future as well as his opportunity to influence is lineage and family name.
A man needs sex. Not for the trite reasons (men are not animals), but because sex is a life affirming, intimate connection (most of the time) and the opportunity to let go completely for a brief moment is the respite a man needs from a world that judges him on control and power.
A man will and should tell us what he needs and we as women should want to give it to him because it creates the whole (women and man as complete).
And no, I don't need to tell you what I want. I believe you already know.
A man needs to be listened to. Really listened to. The unwinding at the end of a day, the running through the list, the little victories, and the larger triumphs are immensely important and sitting (or standing) and listening to not only the sound of his voice, but what he is really saying is key. We women tend to talk (and sometimes not listen). Call it a defense mechanism from the time your 4 year old asked you the same question 20 times, but if we don't listen to what the men in our lives are saying, we may miss something of incredible importance.
A man needs to be told he is handsome (or strong, or buff, or fill in the blank). Men should be allowed the vanity that women have as a birth right. The need to be complimented (and admired) doesn't change with the sexes. The assistance of make-up and a culture that 'allows' us to be beautiful hasn't been as kind to men. The reassurance of physical attractiveness goes beyond the surface to the inner core of a man.
A man needs to be needed. Not to say that we need to be needy, just that we need to open ourselves up to the opportunity to let the men in our lives help us solve our problems and allow us to be vulnerable. It does not take away from our independence if we confess our fears and our flaws and allow the men in our life to assist us in overcoming them.
A man needs to fix things. It could be a power point presentation, a co-worker issue, or a washing machine, but the process of taking something logically apart and putting the pieces back together seems to be a universal characteristic of men.
A man needs to have it acknowledged that his identity is (usually) tied up in part in his career. There are women who are similar in their needs, but due to the sheer fact that many of us have been pregnant, had children, and care for our parents,our roles are more complex in their definitions and our identities are less tied to a single channel or focus.
A man needs his children to respect him. As a mother we tend to think in terms of unconditional love (and yes, respect is in there, but not as strongly as it is for a man.) A man's children are his hopes for the future as well as his opportunity to influence is lineage and family name.
A man needs sex. Not for the trite reasons (men are not animals), but because sex is a life affirming, intimate connection (most of the time) and the opportunity to let go completely for a brief moment is the respite a man needs from a world that judges him on control and power.
A man will and should tell us what he needs and we as women should want to give it to him because it creates the whole (women and man as complete).
And no, I don't need to tell you what I want. I believe you already know.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Hard Work
It is said that failure is not the worst thing in the world. The very worst is not to try.
Trying. Harder. Recently I have heard from two very nice men in positions of more power than mine that they don't work for money, or ego, but for the relationships they are building, the people they are helping and the problems they are solving. These folks are in sales. So am I. The problem is...that in sales, we aren't only about helping people and solving problems. We are also about adding value to the organization we work for. Money. I have, in the past, helped people AND solved problems. I worked in counseling. Adults, duo diagnosis (emotional disorders and an addiction). They had problems. Insurmountable at times. Sales, it is about problem solving with out a DSMVII. If you know what the problem is, you can solve it with a solution. It is about pain points, and how much pain your prospect is in. It is also about how well you can communicate a value proposition around solving those pain points.
I have a pain point. I am not solving problems and it makes me feel like a failure so...
Each day, I am trying harder.
Trying. Harder. Recently I have heard from two very nice men in positions of more power than mine that they don't work for money, or ego, but for the relationships they are building, the people they are helping and the problems they are solving. These folks are in sales. So am I. The problem is...that in sales, we aren't only about helping people and solving problems. We are also about adding value to the organization we work for. Money. I have, in the past, helped people AND solved problems. I worked in counseling. Adults, duo diagnosis (emotional disorders and an addiction). They had problems. Insurmountable at times. Sales, it is about problem solving with out a DSMVII. If you know what the problem is, you can solve it with a solution. It is about pain points, and how much pain your prospect is in. It is also about how well you can communicate a value proposition around solving those pain points.
I have a pain point. I am not solving problems and it makes me feel like a failure so...
Each day, I am trying harder.
The Ritual Bath
I take a bath every night. It is something I have always done through the years. In some cultures and religions the ritual of the bath is a spiritual and cultural necessity. A cleansing of one in a step by step process with the outcome purity.
I am consistent in my ritual and have taken baths since I was a child in much the same manner. I turn on the water as hot as I can handle, allowing the bathroom to steam up. I accompany my ritual with a book (always), a glass of wine (most of the time) and a candle (when I am feeling a sense of nostalgia). I step in and for 20 minutes or so soak off the transgressions, troubles and even the triumphs of the day. The reading of a book that has no literary value is key as well. It is a form of meditation, an emptying of my mind and completes the process. The bath may change (large roman soakers at my former suburban homes, the small cramped tub during mine and Robbie's 'only' years with GI Joes and Silly Soap), but the ritual stays the same.
As I step out from the tub, dry myself off and start the nighttime routine, I have an inevitable sense of peace.
I am consistent in my ritual and have taken baths since I was a child in much the same manner. I turn on the water as hot as I can handle, allowing the bathroom to steam up. I accompany my ritual with a book (always), a glass of wine (most of the time) and a candle (when I am feeling a sense of nostalgia). I step in and for 20 minutes or so soak off the transgressions, troubles and even the triumphs of the day. The reading of a book that has no literary value is key as well. It is a form of meditation, an emptying of my mind and completes the process. The bath may change (large roman soakers at my former suburban homes, the small cramped tub during mine and Robbie's 'only' years with GI Joes and Silly Soap), but the ritual stays the same.
As I step out from the tub, dry myself off and start the nighttime routine, I have an inevitable sense of peace.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Crossroads and the Tarot
Last night I went to my second annual Ice Wine and Dine downtown. Last year we attended the event we had our cards read by the fortune teller. Her readings were spooky and accurate and for someone who is a 'skeptic' I was blown away. We went to see her the minute we arrived at the event and she did not disappoint again.
I asked the question 'I am at a crossroads right now, what should I do?' She advised me of my desire to control outcomes and my lack of patience and pointed out that I had set the wheels in motion for the transition, but that it was important for me stop trying to make things happen and let things happen. She gave me the freedom to 'relax' for the next four months as things settled in, but let me know that all of the strategic moves I have been making were pointing me in the right direction.
My work. It is a huge part of my life, a home away from home, and a source of ongoing passion and frustration for me. I have changed careers, jobs, and roles many times and my desire to find the 'right role' in the 'right place' seems to be the bane of my existence. I believe I have found the place, but the changes have taken place that are beyond my control. I have worked diligently and strategically to make a place for myself in the new organization. That the fortune teller sensed my uneasiness (and for me, that is unusual) lead me to believe that there are people who know how to sense or see the essence of our souls to some extent.
My question, expanded is, how does one accept that everything is going to change yet again, and not (as I have always done) try to control the outcome, but instead accept that there are things that are destined to occur with out a 'helping' hand?
Friday, April 15, 2011
California to Canada part two
As Boodah sits next to me in my 'office' (Hannah's pink, purple, silver, gold, red, rainbow sparkle room) snoring away, I realize how much this transition must have affected him as well. Imagine, after years (from when he could remember) of cavorting in his own back yard, a gravelly dog run, neighborhood kids who petted and knew him and a life of sunshine and simplicity. Fast forward to May 19th. He was 'drugged' (benadryl) shoved in a carrier and hauled through LAX to ride, uncomfortably at the feet of Hannah for 5+ hours. Out he popped (after a long wait at customs) and arrived into a small condo, high above the world he knew, a new bed, bowl and food to start his new life. The changes were huge. No longer could he just 'go pee'. He had to be taken by one of us, down the elevator, out of the big building, through the courtyard (where no 'dogs' are allowed) to one of the many brown patches of grass where dogs do their business. During the summer he was put on a boat after a two hour car ride (how he hated the boat part) for a trip to the cottage. There, at last, he could run and pee at will. He delights in the freedom of numerous trees, pithy dirt in which to rub his feet, and the over all vastness of the forest. When winter came, snow confounded him. He loved the softness, the ability to brush his feet but was always surprised (and hobbled) by the fact that after a bit, his paws would freeze. The orange paw covers seemed to humiliate him and eventually it was better to let him limp then fight the battle of putting (and keeping them on). As we coast into almost a year (and all four seasons) of life here in Toronto, Boodah finally seems to be happier, more adapted to the life and more relaxed.
I know someone else who is too.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
California to Canada
The other day my dad suggested that I start blogging again instead of writing my 'Updates from Toronto' via email and I concurred, so I am back!
It has been 10 months since I arrived in Toronto. I flew in on Air Canada, direct from LA, by myself. Two stuffed suitcases, a laptop bag--clutching way too much paperwork for immigration, my arrival to early May Toronto weather (cold wind and rain), deflated my flagging energy. What was the beginning of my new life here felt like the end of a marathon run where I just barely made it to the finish. In the months preceding my arrival Ron, Robbie, Hannah and I worked hard to achieve this seemingly simple transition. The process began over a year before, with the hiring of an immigration attorney, the lovely 'Birthday' medical exam (Robbie and I spent July 14th, 2009 being poked, prodded and then signed off on our simple medical requirements) and the hurry up and waits of working with two governments (well three if you count the State of California) to fill out, track down and submit in triplicate, the reams of paper required for the ultimate 'red stamp' of a Canadian residency. There was a house to 'fix up and sell' in a Southern California market that was plummeting, an alternative home to purchase in a 'hot' Toronto market, a school to locate for Hannah and the continued challenge of helping Robbie select and settle on a University that fit our budget, his desired program and personality. Back in Summer of 09 it seemed that we had started early enough and had a long time to get things accomplished. Little did I know that we were just warming up and that the pace would quicken.
To be continued--
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