Betrayal

It is a hard thing, to be betrayed.  Harder still when the one who betrays you is someone you trusted, opened up to, and considered that all important and rare commodity, 'a friend'.

The dictionary defines betrayal in a couple of ways:

To deliver or expose an enemy to treachery or disloyalty
To be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining or fulfilling
To disappoint the hopes, or expectations
To reveal, unconsciously

The worst form of betrayal is not the exposure of an enemy to treachery or disloyalty.  It is the exposure of a friend's treachery.  How difficult to be betrayed by someone who professed to have one's best interests at heart, one who is coaching, offering advice and providing feedback. Someone one looked up to, listened to, trusted.  How hard to look at that person in the face, knowing that the facade is just that, a facade that hides someone who is untrue.

It is folly to think that anyone lives a life empty of dissembling or manipulation (or even dishonesty) but there a levels and a scale in which dishonesty and betrayal go from 'benign' to toxic.

What happens to one who is betrayed?  Does that individual seek revenge, slink away to wallow in pain, or lift one's head and recognize that one who betrays is really betraying themselves and that in time the machinations will open them up to a certain vulnerability as well as a degradation of spirit and soul that will lead to unhappiness, loss of prestige, power and control.

At the end of the day, it is better to be truthful, to protect one's own soul, then to betray a trust, for what ever reason.

Beauty

Hannah is beautiful.  Independent corroboration has determined this. The average person on the street stops and comments on her visual exterior beauty on a more regular basis then is considered normal.

Recently a colleague of mine (who happens to be drop dead gorgeous) and I discussed outward beauty and what it meant in terms of the doors it opens, the opinions that are formed and the drawbacks of being better than average visually.   I pondered with my colleague whether it was helpful or a deterient to being taken seriously.  We both agree that there are certain aspects that are a benefit, but that there have been circumstances that also occur that make it hard to determine whether it was helpful or hurtful.

Back to Hannah. We focus a lot on the importance of beauty on the inside...the kindness, thoughtfulness and necessity to be a good person to others.  We talk of the people we know who get 'uglier' as we get to know them (based on a shallowness, a lack of compassion, or a lack of true depth).  We also speak of those who get more beautiful as we engage them, who's inner beauty shines and lights up their outer countenance. We hope that she gets the message and as she grows up she understands the importance being beautiful on the 'inside'.

I read an incredible book this weekend.  It was about Vera Atkins, a spymistress from England during World War II and recollections include comment & focus on her physical appearance and exterior beauty.  After reading, I searched for pictures on the internet and found a women who, in modern standards would be considered normal or average in appearance.  After reading the book, I could only imagine that those who knew her would believe firmly that she was the most beautiful woman in the world based on her sheer desire to help others (millions of others) in need.  That is beauty.

Sin

I went to church today.  Ron joked that he and Hannah were going to avoid standing to close to me in case I burst into flames.

There is a lot mentioned about sin at church.  I haven't really given to much thought to the idea of sin.  Is it that I am, at heart a sinner?  Prior to writing this post, I would not be able to list the Seven Deadly Sins.  For those of you who read my blog and didn't know either, I thought I would post them below:

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (This word translates to apathy), Wrath, Envy, Pride and Vainglory (boasting).

Consider the below my 'sin assessment':

Let's start with lust.  Lust is apparently 'excessive' sexual thoughts.  What is considered 'excessive'?  There isn't a moment of the day that I don't allow my thoughts to stray to lustful thoughts if I can.  The positive feelings and warmth associated with a lustful thought help stave off the frustrations and difficulties in every day life. Am I sinning by 'thinking' lustful thoughts or is it a sin only if I actually engage in lustful activities.  Where does one draw the line?  It is definite that I am guilty of this sin.

Gluttony is an interesting one.  The definition that is provided is 'over consumption of anything' to the point of waste.  I personally try and not be a glutton when it comes to food, but there are times when I over indulge.  I think wine might fall under this category so I am thinking this is also a 'sin' in my yes column.

If you asked me point blank if I thought I was greedy, I would probably say no, but if Greed is defined as access then I can identify with this sin.  Every time I go to Costco or Winners and buy a pair of shoes I don't need I am guilty of greed.  I guess I have to mark this one as a yes as well.

Sloth.  Yes. Lately.  There is always an excuse to not exercise, to drive versus walk, to sit versus stand.  To not give unto others, but to take (a sign of laziness) and to mentally not challenge myself to do 'more'.  No excuses, just sin.

Acedia (or apathy, depression with out joy) is probably not high on my list of sins, however, if you talk to me after a challenging, unfruitful day of work, I tend to indulge in this sin as a default.  Hmmm...I may need to put this in a gray area, little yes, little no.

Wrath. Yes.  I have (and do) exhibit rage at times. Revenge is part of wrath and I have sought revenge for my perceived personal wrongs.  Sigh...here is yet another sin I am guilty of.

On no! Envy!  I can't help but look at the bigger condo, the nicer dress and the less lined face, younger face (and/or smaller butt) and feel envy.  How does one avoid this sin? There is always someone one rung up the ladder, right where you hope to stand.

Pride is a sin.  We tell our children we are proud of them.  We say we are proud of ourselves.  I take 'pride' in my work.  Sin.  Once again, I seem to find myself in the yes, versus no column.

The last sin in Vainglory.  This is not a word we hear in this day and age.  Apparently it means unjustified boasting (modern day narcissism.)  I have to admit that at times I am narcissistic.  I focus too much time and energy on the outer trappings, worry too much about the minutiae in life and focus (okay obsess) on issues that really only effect one person, me.  If that is vainglory, then I am guilty as charged.

I didn't burst into flames today.  I took away something important from the homily as well as the theme of the sermon.

I walked away with the knowledge that I am indeed a sinner, but that the first step in atonement is to acknowledge one's sins and ask for forgiveness.

I have acknowledged that I am a sinner.  When I am ready to stop sinning, I will start asking for forgiveness.

Running away and joining the circus

Ever since I watched on television the old Disney movie 'Toby Tyler' I dreamed of running away and joining the circus. If I could just live in a small wagon, juggle a few items, maybe walk the tightrope and all in perfect smiling make up and a tu tu...wow...I would be happy and satisfied.

It is my line when life's pressures weigh on me and I lack the coping skills to deal with tomorrow or the next day.  When a safety net seems not only a good idea, but necessary to catch me when I am falling down.

What is it about the thought of 'running away' that is so appealing.  Does it mean that I will not have to wash my clothing? Pay a bill? Pick up the child? Walk the dog?  Go to work?  Meet the demands that other's have on my life.  What I am I running away from?  What am I running to?

Responsibility.  What a hard, and difficult word.  My sense of responsibility to the others around me is a heavy load.  The responsibility to the children I gave birth to, the man I married, the dog I didn't really want, but have, it exists...ongoing.  Extend it to a job that is challenging, a family that is extended, a world that is expensive and scary-- the weight of all of it seems unmanageable.

Ah...the circus.  Flying through the air, knowing if you drop, you will still be okay (a net is there, after all). The clowns that make you laugh.  The uprooting and restarting in a new city, town, country.  The 'family' that isn't 'your family' (or your responsibility). The challenges physical, not mental.  It seems so attractive, so simple, so uncomplicated.

Conversely I could say 'My current life is a circus'.  The balls I juggle, the objects I balance on, the people I paint on a smile for and hope that they don't see through the 'act'.  The world at large that I am here, on this planet, to entertain.  To suspend disbelief. To give a respite from their own issues and troubles.

Maybe it isn't the circus I want to run away to.  Maybe I am already IN the circus.

Success versus Power

Lately I have been pondering the difference between success and power. According to Dictionary.com there are a couple definitions for the word 'success'.  I like this version: The favorable outcome of something attempted.  Power, on the other hand is defined as: Great or marked ability to do or act; strength, might, force.

What defines a powerful person?  How about a successful one? If I had a choice, would I wish to be powerful, or successful?

One theory is that those who seek power are fearful.  There is a Chinese quote that 'Those who seek power for personal ends eventually run afoul of popular opinion'.

On success there is a quote by Sri Chinmoy that 'True success is the only thing you can not have unless you have offered it to others'.

Here are my thoughts on people who seek power, versus people who seek success:

People who seek power are looking to control.  They are looking to control the insecurities in themselves and attempt to exploit others to achieve control.

People who are successful have a positive attitude and while they have fear, they don't let it control them.  They recognized they need others to accomplish their goals and leverage those relationships.

Power is fleeting.  Success is sustainable.

Success can be shared, celebrated, grown, nurtured.

Power is individual, and shifts from one person to another--a grasp, a climb, a precarious position.

Success can be measured.  Power cannot.

People can be caught in the crossfires of a power struggle.  Have you ever heard of anyone 'jockeying' for success?  One can be powerless or unsuccessful, but the implications of those words are different.  One can dust themselves off from an unsuccessful attempt and try again, but powerlessness implies that one is rendered such by others and can be stuck there.

People in power manipulate others. Success requires effort and hard work.

Power corrupts.  Success requires focused optimism.

It is obvious that I believe that being a successful person is more important than being a powerful one.  Not to say that I don't believe in being empowered or in empowering others because that is different.  Being empowered means there is a sharing of power, not a desire 'for' power.  Empowering others can lead to success.

Starting today, I will surround myself with successful people and seek a favorable outcome to the problems I am faced with.  How about you?

Do you read?

Studies have shown, time and time again, that reading stimulates the brain, allows us to visual the scenery and characters and immerse ourselves in the story.  Conversely, television is a passive activity that in large doses slows brain activity and function and actually hampers development and social adjustment.

I am not focused on the debate between whether one watches television, versus reads a book, but I am surprised at how few of my peer group (colleagues and friends) take the time to read books.  Yes, many of my network will scan the internet for industry news, review Linked In and Facebook to see what their friends and acquaintances are up to, but the actual number of these people who pick up a book, take the time to start, engage and finish are surprisingly few.  Most people tell me they don't have the time to read.  I wonder if  ,as an exercise, they will be willing to forgo a few hours of weekly television (or video games or fill in the blanks) to read a book?

I recently read a blog post that focused on the benefits of reading such as improved vocabulary, memory, writing skills, and other cognitive activities that lead to higher intelligence (or 'smarts') but I personally have received 'soft' benefits from reading that I thought I would highlight.

Reading is an escape to a world beyond our own.  Unlike television, where everything plotted and cast, where we don't have to imagine the voice, the face, or the location, reading a book allows us to envision the blue eyes of the protagonist, the soft skin of her child or the dark countenance of her lover.  We can fully immerse in (or if we are so inclined 'become' a part of) the adventure. For a brief time, we can 'be' in the world of the story, empathize with the characters and relate to the tale on a personal level.

Reading offers an understanding of other points of view.  We tend to surround ourselves with like minded people where our disagreements are few (and not far from a middle ground), but to read from a book written about a subject, or by an author that is far from our experiences or beliefs opens up the possibility that there are others facets to an issue, a person, an historic experience that we have not examined or have not yet fully understood.  It offers the opportunity for dialogue around these points of view and broadens our minds and experiences.

Reading gives us a reference point for what is going on in our world.  The literature of Orwell, Shakespeare, or J.K Rowling give us context for our daily lives.  Are we on a quest? Do we recognized the failings and foibles of mankind and can we know that the mistakes we made have been made by those before us? Can we learn from these teachings and not make those mistakes again?  Can we find humor in the fact that nothing of lifes experiences is fully unique to us and can we look at each day in our life in a broader context of what the 'end' of the story will be, happy, or otherwise.

I am a passionate reader.  I share with others what I have read, re-read what I am interested in, and would rather pick up a book (on my Kindle or in a hard copy) then do just about anything else (except maybe sex), Everything I read (be it a Travis McGee mystery, or the memoir of a chef) has taught me something about geography, history, humor, perseverance, place, history, religion, and most important, myself.

I challenge you to take the time to read a book on a subject that is new to you to see if when you put that book down you too walk away with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.  At best, reading will give you tools and context for daily life, and may help you broaden your point of view while still offering respite from the daily grind that life can become.

Vision for the future

I can't count the times people have asked me what my five year plan is career wise. It makes sense, career mapping, growth opportunities, goal setting etc.  I wonder, however, how many people in this ever changing world, actually execute on their five year plans?  Two year plans?  Six month plans?  I have personally found that every time I make a 'plan', something out of my control changes that plan and I find myself making a new plan.  Not back at square one, just taking a side road, or reexamining my options or even starting fresh and new.

So here is my vision for the future, a new and improved 5 year plan:

Short term (3-6 Month goal)

 I want to start giving more of myself and asking less of others.  I want to start with a smile, work up to a conversation, and end up, hopefully with a relationship that offers real value.  This can be in the professional arena, or in my personal life, but the intent is to make a distinct effort to add something positive to someone else's existence. Five years from now, I want to be able to have measurable results by counting the number, depth and breadth of the people who's lives I have influenced and who I have made a positive impact on.

6-12 Months

This is my opportunity to map out the skills I want to learn to help me achieve the goals of my five year plan, the ideas I want to share and the changes I want to make happen. I intend to grow self control (not saying what is on my mind in the immediate time frame),  practice patience and have serenity of mind. With this skill set, I will be able to move into arena's that are currently out of my reach through lack of focus, worrying needlessly and low self confidence.  This will allow me to make significant changes around me, by taking a step back, identifying the problem and being a part of the solution. Five years from now I will have a sense of balance and control that gives me the confidence to influence positive change.

Beyond 12 Months

I will not look back, but look forward to a plan that includes:

Specifically addressing my fears and overcoming them through the various solutions available.
Staying on track and leveraging what is new, not rehashing what is old.
Continually learning and growing.
Leveraging the existing relationships in my life and growing new ones.
Identifying the areas I am weak in, and finding solutions (or people) to fill in those gaps
Blundering boldly. Not being afraid to make decisions and/or hard choices

Long Term Goals

This is the kicker. Long term, I will use my skills and experiences, leverage my relationships and have the self confidence to have made a significant positive impact on the lives of others.  They will be enriched, educated, self sufficient, happier, healthier, or just more open minded due to the execution of my five year plan.

If you fill in the blanks here, you too can have a five year plan--a vision for the future.