Boredom

Not sure if boredom is the right term to be using to describe the state I constantly find myself battling.

Most people would not list boredom at the top of their list of fears in life.  They may say poverty, hunger, danger, death, or something equally as dire.  I fear boredom.  It is what drives me to rash decisions, bad choices and to overlook (or ignore) consequences of my actions.  It is a battle I have fought all my life.  Do I do something RIGHT NOW so as not to be bored???  I also list it as my fatal flaw (my number of divorces, the pain and cost associated with said divorces are testament to the fact that when I am bored, I take drastic measures).  I can't seem to help myself by taunting the world...come on, give me something new, some sort of challenge to overcome. Chaos???  Bring it ON!

Ron is aware my desire for new things, the requirement of constant stimulation.  I am not saying it doesn't drive him crazy (he is a creature of habit who sets the clock forward and never on an even number and who thrives on routine), I am just saying he has become painfully familiar with this semi constant state I seek to avoid.

I don't think it has to do with avoiding the mundane (not that I will not happily dodge doing the laundry, shopping, prepping and making meals etc.) so much as it has to do with a consistent need for a break in the routine.  An adventure, a story to tell, a daring act of bravery (or stupidity!) that I can share in pictures, words, and fantasize about (and ultimately embellish).

I wasn't bored the year we moved here (much) and I wasn't bored this summer during cottage season (much) and I am trying hard to not be bored on the week days as I live for ski weekends (they are pretty consistent and routine though), but I keep looking for the next new exciting challenge to take on, the next story to tell or the next fantasy to execute on (I like to dream then act!)

For now, I will seek adventure daily.  Join me?

Burning down the old

As I laid in bed last night trying to sleep, and failing miserably at it, I thought about the bed I was laying in (Hannah's bottom bunk because of Ron's snoring) and the room I was laying in (Hannah's pink, purple, silver, gold, red, rainbow, sparkles room), and the home I now lived in (our tiny condo in midtown) and realized there was a trend in my life.  That trend is the need, and want for constant new beginnings (and the complete 'burning down' of the old life).

Every 6 or 7 years (or less!) I have 'burned down' my old life and started a new one. This process of burning down includes, but is not limited to, the sale of an old and purchase of a new home, the purging of furniture, household items, clothes, weight, hair, husbands, and friends.  The changes include, but are not limited to redesign of appearance, job, style, family history and new skill sets.

For me, the comfort of routine has never existed.  I don't find solace in the 'every morning I do the same thing', or the familiarity of Taco Tuesday, the routine of a work out, or the consistency of a certain dinner item.  I like (and need desperately) to mix things up, to start fresh and new, to screw up and then rebuild.

I like to think that it is the active avoidance of boredom, the desire to be a 'human doing' versus a 'human being'.

When I grow up

Last night at dinner Ron, Robbie and I were having a conversation about 'what do I want to be when I grow up'.  It started with a 'water cooler' chat Ron had with a colleague about Robbie's summer architecture intern job search and moved to our dreams as children (Hannah's has moved from being a princess, a role that is has few open opportunities to being a pop star).  His colleagues son is currently going to be a soccer playing Navy Seal.

This conversation occurred independent of a conversation I had with my friend at lunch yesterday about 'what would I do if I had a choice?'  Her response, 'work with people', my response 'facilitate education in a non educational format' like TEDX.  What stops us from pursuing these dreams? It isn't like we want to be princesses, pop stars or Navy Seals.

This has me pondering the question, 'at what age do we stop believing we can be what ever we want to be' and start limiting our options?  I understand that there are certain physical and educational limiters (we can't all be Blue Angels or Victoria Secret Angels), but there are so many opportunities out there that require transferable skills--what is stopping us?

Erickson has stages of development and around age 35 we hit a stage (according to him) that is generativity versus self absorption or stagnation.  We are either incredibly productive, at our peak, or we are prone to stagnate.  Is this when we decide that we can't pursue our dreams to be an astronaut, firefighting pilot?

Today is the day to start executing on the dreams of 'what I will be when I grow up'

Dissembling

I like this word, dissembling.  It means to conceal ones emotions, feelings or beliefs.

We all, at different points in our lives dissemble.  It is a great way to 'not lie' and to focus energy away from one's inner thoughts.  It is when someone asks 'how are you?' and you say 'great' while internally you are worried, concerned, miserable or indifferent.  It is when you smile and bite your tongue when someone is talking negatively about something you feel passionate about but can't reveal that emotion due to political correctness (or lack there) of with colleagues or acquaintances.

There have been many great dissemblers over history.  Queen Elizabeth I of England comes to mind.  Her refusal to name an heir, her various marriage negotiations and her ability to say a lot with out saying anything kept her people and her court from fully understanding (and therefore opposing) her true goals.

Dissembling (versus lying) can be a useful tool in life.  It is the bridge between direct communication and blatant lying.  Better to obscure then to get caught in a web of deceit.

It is an art, dissembling.