I have been doing a lot of thinking about Divorce. The dictionary definition states that divorce means: disassociate, part, cease or break association with. This is contrary to my experience with divorce pretty much across the board. Divorce, when there are children involved is anything but a disassociation. It is a wrenching, Solomon-like process where the hurt and anger in the adults involved spills over like acid to the child or children in the middle.
Robbie went through parental divorce. If divorces could be 'pretty', mine and Scott's was as pretty and packaged as we could make it. There were no sordid battles, arguments over money or Robbie. We agreed to agree and fairly shared our son's precious time. We, even today, are flexible and open and co-parent, presenting Robbie with a united front, but...for Robbie, this is still hard. Very hard. Since the age of three he has had two homes, two rooms, two different sets of parents. He has to choose when and where to spend his holidays and who to spend them with and where his favorite flip flops are currently residing. He also has to reconcile the fact that Dad has a full minivan of little one's and Mom has added new sister and embrace both families as his own.
Ron has said that the hardest part of growing up was figuring out where to belong. He has a sister who shares the same parents and shares his difficulties. Robbie is the only child of Scott and I. Myongoing goal is to make sure that Robbie feels he fits in. That our family is his family and that he is a key member is always at the forefront of my mind. This is more challenging then one would think. He is with us half the time, misses half the events and only shares half the holidays. In a year and a half, he goes to college and we start a brand new life (as does he). Will he seek a separate community of 'family' like Ron did or will he always feel that our family is where his home is, no matter where we reside.
I hope so.
1 comment:
So the headline and first line of this post really got my heart racing - especially after you told me to go look at your blog...would they call this a "Dear John Post"?
Then I read on - and realized what you were talking about!
Not to chuck a silver lining on it, but I really think Robbie - by virtue of the great balancing job you and Scott did before Kathy and I came along - and how we as a village, have influenced him since then, (Kathy and I bringing our own experiences to bear too), such that he will find having a sense of "belonging" in a number of places and with various groups actually easier...
Some kids have the benefit of the "contstant" that their is "home" no matter what...your parents' place in Berkeley is a good example of that - Mom & Dad, always there, steady and unchanging, (even if your rooms were redecorated), but sometimes, it's hard for kids to leave that behind...
Robbie has the ability to "plug and play" better than most...and as a result, will probably find the "transition" periods in life easier to deal with - whether it's redefining the nature of his interactions within his current families, (us and Scott & Kathy,) going off to the college dorm room life, adjusting to "the real world" upon graduation or starting down the path of life in creating his own family unit...he'll be able to use his experience to roll with the punches, making the most of every opportunity and cherishing the times that are without worrying too much about the times that weren't...
At least, I hope so...
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